She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize
