Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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