Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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