a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
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Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
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Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with