Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
