sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
