I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
