If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
My balls are so social today.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
