I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
