I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
