the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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