Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
