I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
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