she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize