Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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