so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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