in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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