While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
