as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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