I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
