I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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