why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
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