SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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