The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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