i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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