umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
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