did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
