I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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