3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
