I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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