I'm eating all of the evidence.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
