I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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