I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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