"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
