i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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