your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
