its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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