My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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