id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
