matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i came on her dog
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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