my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
