you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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