never play flip cup with pint glasses
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
