By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
