Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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