No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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