Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
