Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
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I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
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I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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