I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
