if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
