You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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