He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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