i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
being pregnant is like rehab
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
