respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Sext me about skeletons
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
