...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
