where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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