before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
