I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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