Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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